This is going to be difficult to write. And I’m not sure if I’m writing to an audience or if this is just something I need to put down on paper for my own remembrance. But my hope is that it’s helpful, and that it at least somewhat adequately conveys what I believe the Lord has been doing in my heart lately.

I remember once when I was in the third grade, I wrote a short story and decided to share it one afternoon with my class. I don’t remember any feelings of fear or apprehension – just the love of writing and the excitement of expressing it to other people. I can’t recall how the story was received, but oddly, it didn’t really matter. Approval wasn’t the main event.

It’s funny to me that I have this memory from the third grade of uninhibited expression, because it seems that shortly after this event I started to become more concerned with the opinions and possible criticism of others. I became much less likely to share my thoughts, feelings and ideas – even if I had a strong sense that I should. Essentially, I became self-conscious. And this self-consciousness persisted throughout middle school, into high school, into college, and as I am sitting here typing, it is still something I’m dealing with. I’m looking at that last sentence. I didn’t know until recently that I was dealing with it, but oh yes, I am.

I think I really began to accept that I was an insecure person in high school, and my consistent thought was, “This a confidence issue.” If I could just be more confident in who I was and not care so much about what others thought, I would be good. I would be free. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t escape the fear of not being accepted and it created in me an anger and a bitterness that colored all that I did. Other people may or may not have been aware of it, but I was.

In college, the anger and the bitterness that accompanied being insecure followed me. However, there was a profound sweetness on the horizon. Because in the spring of my freshman year, Jesus Christ made himself known to a self-proclaimed Christian. He met me in a place of deep sadness and showed me love, grace, and peace. He showed me that I was a sinner in need of a savior and that only he could satisfy.

He showed me that self-consciousness was not a confidence issue. It was a shame issue.

I didn’t need more confidence in my own merits and goodness. I needed the assurance of HIS love and goodness.

I have great parents who have always supported me. I’ve had encouraging friends throughout my life. But I needed the love of my creator to become real to me. He knows every sin I’ve committed, every evil thought and deed, much more clearly than I know them myself. If I could have his love, then the shame would have no grip on me. The Lord of the universe cares and died for me? How could shame compete with the forgiveness of God and an eternal relationship with him?

That was four years ago. And in the time that has passed since then, I have been challenged beyond what I could have comprehended. But I have also been comforted and renewed beyond what I could have hoped for. God certainly does not leave us where he found us. But we backslide. We struggle.

I think I can admit now that I’ve backslidden into a place of self-consciousness more dramatically than I was aware of. It doesn’t look the same as it did when I was in high school or college, so I didn’t recognize it at first. These things can manifest themselves in different ways. For me these days, it looks a lot like control – wanting to have everything together, sticking to a plan, saying the right things, doing the right things, discipline through my own strength, the self-willed pursuit of perfection.

Recently, as the Lord has been leading me through my trail of meticulously crafted and controlled statements, ideas, and plans, I found that my ways have not been getting me closer to His heart. In love, he’s brought me somewhere far more sinister. He’s showing me that I have, in a profound sense, been running from him. I’ve been like Adam and Eve in the garden, hiding from vulnerability and from giving all that I have to my God. I’ve tried to avoid the beautiful mess that comes from living wholeheartedly, because I’m afraid of failure, criticism and embarrassment. I’ve been afraid of being put to shame.

But there’s more sweetness to share because of the love of Jesus.

I’m so thankful today for this love. I’m thankful that those who wait on the Lord will NEVER be put to shame (Isaiah 49:23) and that they can come boldly before the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16). Those who have believed on Jesus have received the Spirit of adoption as sons and daughters of a Father in Heaven (Romans 8:15). Today I believe more clearly than I have in a long time that these truths and promises are for me. I can pour out my heart before God with fearless abandon because his love is true and faithful.

We don’t have to hide in the darkness. We can be deeply known and deeply loved. And when we experience this love, we will know all the security we’ll ever need. We can be vulnerable, and sometimes, we can be a mess. And we can live with wholehearted freedom.