Month: June 2018

Doubt and Deliverance

Published on by BethanyLeave a comment

When I started this blog, my goal was to become more honest with God, myself, and with others. My goal was to know Him more fully and experience His joy more consistently. I believe that thus far, God has responded to my hope and prayer – but certainly not in the way that I was expecting. I knew that I would likely experience some measure of discouragement along the way. I never dreamed that I would begin to seriously doubt Him.

I struggled for a while regarding how to write about this subject, because I think doubts bring confusion. They bring a seemingly endless number of thoughts, questions, and fears to mind. How can I even express them all? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all my questions were essentially a version of one, giant question: Can I trust in the faithfulness of God?

This question can take so many forms because the faithfulness of God extends to every area of life. Will He sustain me, protect me, and provide for my needs? Can I trust Him with every hope and dream? Do I have the assurance that I can call upon Him at any time? And then there’s this question: Will He save me from death? I found myself asking these questions (and more) a lot last week, with an urgency that I have never experienced before. It appeared that I was walking through a crisis of faith.

When I was filled with uncertainty, the promises of the Bible became more alive. God has spoken, and His Word had to be my lamp in the darkness. My emotions and thoughts were saying one thing, and as I flipped through the pages, God was saying another. I became more aware of my need to keep these promises close – to never let them go. I felt a lot of condemnation during this time, which was one of the most difficult feelings to overcome. Even if I had the promises of God, how could I be sure that they were for me? The Bible again brought me back to the truth.

For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. – 2 Corinthians 1:20

My doubts seemed insurmountable and complicated, and one of the loudest lies was that I would certainly be condemned to death. But then my assurance eventually came rushing in at just the right time. It wasn’t complex. In fact, it was beautifully simple. It came from looking to and trusting in one person: Jesus. All the promises of God find their yes in His name. Because of Him, I can boldly approach my Father in Heaven (Hebrews 4:16). Because of Him, I can rest without fear.

I’ve certainly emphasized security and identity in nearly every post up to this point. I’ve expressed the importance of finding both of those elements in Christ alone. He is where we find our sense of self. He is where we find our place of safety. I’ve never had those beliefs tested more acutely than they have been recently: But I can say now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am better for it.

This blog is about joy. For the longest time, I believed that doubt was a detriment to faith, and as a result, to joy. How could an experience of doubting God’s faithfulness ever result in more joy, more peace, and more satisfaction in Christ? I know that for me, it has allowed me to see just how faithful He really is. When everything I knew became clouded, He was there. When all I could feel was despondency, He was there. He never left. In my doubting, I questioned if God was with me. But I look back on those moments and can see how he was continually shepherding me.

At the cross, Jesus truly was forsaken. He faced the horror of death. Because of his sacrifice, even during the worst of times, I will never be forsaken. Any valley I walk through is but a shadow of death. Because of this experience, I am more thankful for the Gospel than I have ever been. The Bible is so much dearer to me. And I am more confident that God will be with me through whatever trial I face. His grace will sustain and empower me in the fight against sin and in the fight for joy. He will comfort me during any degree of suffering. He will deliver me from death and lead me into eternal life.

This experience, I believe, will remain with me as a memorial stone to God’s unending love and faithfulness. And it has increased my joy. Psalm 40 is a passage I clung to in this time. I hope to never forget it:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. – Psalm 40: 1-3

I’m still learning how to wait patiently for the Lord. But I am more certain of this truth now: He will deliver me from destruction. He will lead me back to the rock time and time again… that rock being Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

A Place of Safety

Published on by BethanyLeave a comment

I feel as though I go back to the same topic in most of my writings while coming to the same conclusion in a slightly different way. Perhaps that’s true… And maybe that’s a good thing. I want to express over and over the hope that is in Christ and the radiant joy that comes from knowing Him. My pursuit of this knowledge and joy is ongoing: My prayer is that the updates are helpful.

A few weeks ago, my dad experienced a health scare that resulted in an emergency room visit and a couple weeks of uncertainty. He’s doing much better now, but ever since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, danger, and another topic that I believe will be recurring in the life of this blog – security.

After he got sick, I didn’t know what the future held. I didn’t know how serious the situation was. I was confronted with losing someone who had always been there and everything suddenly felt unsteady. Eventually, he started to improve. A sense of normalcy returned. Yet, I was still anxious. And to be honest, I couldn’t really pinpoint why at first. With this ordeal seemingly in the past, I didn’t see why I would still be overcome with fear.

Jesus describes Himself as the good shepherd (John 10:11). I think over the past few weeks I’ve gained a deeper understanding of this reality. He had to shepherd me through realizing a truth that until this time had not dawned on me with such force: Earthly comforts are not promised. In fact, if there’s one thing we can count on, it’s suffering. Jesus made this known (John 16:33), but at the same time, He gave us one of the greatest comforts of all – “I have overcome the world.” I was deeply affected by the thought of losing a loved one, but my eyes were opened further.

I began to think about all the comfort, security and belonging that I’ve sought in sources other than God, and initially, I was overwhelmed. I thought I had pinpointed those things already. But the ground that I had apparently been standing on for a long time was shifting beneath my feet, and I knew there were still worldly things I hadn’t yet surrendered. I needed a solid rock on which I could stake my life. Something permanent. Something eternal.

A few posts ago, I talked about how it seemed like everything in my life was being shaken. But one thing I didn’t mention is perhaps the most persistent question that has come with it. Lately I’ve found myself asking: Is there a place for me? A place where I can be free from danger and where I can rest without fear? Jesus has given the answer in John 14: 2-3. It’s yes:

In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself, so that where I am you may be also.

The glorious truth is that we can look forward to this sanctuary later and experience a refuge now.

When loneliness comes. When persecution comes. When the pain of sickness and death comes. When we feel struck down in every way and it appears that we’ve been stranded in the open with nowhere to hide – we are never alone. There is a place for us to bank on in Heaven. And there is a place of peace we can enter today. A place of communion with God Himself. A place of assurance that nothing can separate us from His love that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39). And if nothing can separate us from His love, then what can the world do to us? In the only way that truly matters, nothing. There is place for us and it’s not going anywhere.

What I’ve learned is that God is the greatest provider. He will never desert me in times of trouble. I haven’t reached my Father’s house yet and will certainly be faced with difficulties along the way, but there is always a place of safety in His presence where I can run, knowing that I will be secure there forever.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-3