Two weeks before I was set to finish my final two grad school classes, I nearly gave up. I only had a few assignments left. The end was so close. I remember sitting down to write my final paper and questioning if I would even be able to get through it. As I think about it now, I don’t believe it was that last big project I had to complete that made me want to quit. It was fear of the future. It was the fear of everything that would follow the end of this goal that I had envisioned reaching for so long.
For the past few months, fear has followed me seemingly everywhere I’ve gone. Even after I wrote my previous post about renewed confidence after a crisis of faith, fear returned to wreak havoc in my heart and mind, to a degree that I have never known until now. This is largely the reason I haven’t posted in so long. I feel as though I’ve been wandering in the desert for the past two months with nothing to offer to this blog. To be honest, there were moments when I wondered why I had even begun writing on this platform in the first place.
A few days ago, my mom and I picked up my diploma from the university and took a road trip to Waco, Texas to celebrate my graduation. She and I have always enjoyed what Chip and Joanna Gaines have done, and we’d never taken a trip with just the two of us, so we packed up to go see the Silos. I’ve realized that fear can be very audacious, and although I had dreamed of going on a trip like this for years, I had been hovering around despondency for a while and was hesitant before we left. As I admit to this, I’m saddened. But God is so merciful to us in seasons when we can’t see and can barely hang on to what we know is true – that He is always good and will provide for every need of ours in Christ (Philippians 4:19).
I wasn’t very familiar with the story of how Magnolia came into existence. I knew bits and pieces from what I had heard from friends or seen from Fixer Upper, but that was about it. The place where we were staying had a copy of The Magnolia Story, so I started reading it the evening we arrived. I was amazed by how much was written about fear and responding to an unknown future – the very thing I had been struggling with for so long. The further into the story I got, the more I could hear God speaking to me through the narrative of a couple I had never met.
When my mom and I arrived in downtown Waco initially, it was an interesting sight. It’s almost intimidatingly dilapidated in areas. It’s the kind of place that would naturally evoke unease, and given that it was already an unfamiliar one to us, I think that feeling was heightened. But I remember going to bed that night and hearing God’s voice with such clarity. He told me I was going to go out on foot and explore the next day, and that fear was not going to stand in the way.
The next morning, the first thing my mom said to me was, “We’re going to walk around today and not be afraid.” I was so glad to hear her say those words. When it was all over and we were getting ready to head home, I felt refreshed and inspired by what I had seen that day. I felt as though the foothold that fear had gotten in my life had been greatly diminished. In many ways, I felt a renewed sense of hope. All of this was completely unexpected. But it was just what I needed. And it has left me with a lot to think about.
Fear has been a part of my story for a long time. I’d like to say that I’m usually bold and courageous, and that the last few months have been a brief departure from the norm, but this would not be the truth. I’ve always given fear a place without putting up much of a fight. I think a weighty lesson that God is teaching me lately is that fear cannot be given any room. It is not of Him and must be resisted. 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to my mind:
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
Another thing I’m learning is that just because God wants us to walk in a certain direction, and we know this and submit to His leading, any reservations we have (that usually bring us great discomfort) may not immediately dissipate. God brings peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7) and His timing for delivering that peace is always perfect (Psalm 18:30). When I face a frightening circumstance that He has led me to, I tend to ask for some peace in advance. I recognize that I need it for today. But what about tomorrow, and the next day…? I’m realizing that in life, there are times when we must simply defy fear. When we look at an overwhelming obstacle in our way, and when everything in us wants to turn and run, we must keep walking. Sometimes, this is what being empowered by grace looks like. It may not feel good in the moment, but with every step, God is there. And He is mighty.
When I think about God telling me to go downtown, I view it as a symbol of a larger reality that He wants in the lives of all His children. In everything, big and small, He desires for us to trust Him. This may feel risky at times, but it is the purest source of security we could ever know and leads to the greatest joy.
I don’t write this post from the perspective of someone who is beyond the valley. Because in many ways, I still struggle with the heavy weight of anxiety. And there are moments in which I feel encircled by darkness. But I’m starting to see the darkness for what it truly is – nothing. It is not even worth comparing to the power and glory of Jesus Christ. He faced the true darkness and rose victorious. If your life feels shrouded in fear or hopelessness, remember the name of Jesus. Think about, sing about, and call upon this name. Trust in this name. I say this as an encouragement to you and as a reminder to myself. God is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).
Joy Pursuit 