When I started this blog, my goal was to become more honest with God, myself, and with others. My goal was to know Him more fully and experience His joy more consistently. I believe that thus far, God has responded to my hope and prayer – but certainly not in the way that I was expecting. I knew that I would likely experience some measure of discouragement along the way. I never dreamed that I would begin to seriously doubt Him.
I struggled for a while regarding how to write about this subject, because I think doubts bring confusion. They bring a seemingly endless number of thoughts, questions, and fears to mind. How can I even express them all? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that all my questions were essentially a version of one, giant question: Can I trust in the faithfulness of God?
This question can take so many forms because the faithfulness of God extends to every area of life. Will He sustain me, protect me, and provide for my needs? Can I trust Him with every hope and dream? Do I have the assurance that I can call upon Him at any time? And then there’s this question: Will He save me from death? I found myself asking these questions (and more) a lot last week, with an urgency that I have never experienced before. It appeared that I was walking through a crisis of faith.
When I was filled with uncertainty, the promises of the Bible became more alive. God has spoken, and His Word had to be my lamp in the darkness. My emotions and thoughts were saying one thing, and as I flipped through the pages, God was saying another. I became more aware of my need to keep these promises close – to never let them go. I felt a lot of condemnation during this time, which was one of the most difficult feelings to overcome. Even if I had the promises of God, how could I be sure that they were for me? The Bible again brought me back to the truth.
For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. – 2 Corinthians 1:20
My doubts seemed insurmountable and complicated, and one of the loudest lies was that I would certainly be condemned to death. But then my assurance eventually came rushing in at just the right time. It wasn’t complex. In fact, it was beautifully simple. It came from looking to and trusting in one person: Jesus. All the promises of God find their yes in His name. Because of Him, I can boldly approach my Father in Heaven (Hebrews 4:16). Because of Him, I can rest without fear.
I’ve certainly emphasized security and identity in nearly every post up to this point. I’ve expressed the importance of finding both of those elements in Christ alone. He is where we find our sense of self. He is where we find our place of safety. I’ve never had those beliefs tested more acutely than they have been recently: But I can say now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am better for it.
This blog is about joy. For the longest time, I believed that doubt was a detriment to faith, and as a result, to joy. How could an experience of doubting God’s faithfulness ever result in more joy, more peace, and more satisfaction in Christ? I know that for me, it has allowed me to see just how faithful He really is. When everything I knew became clouded, He was there. When all I could feel was despondency, He was there. He never left. In my doubting, I questioned if God was with me. But I look back on those moments and can see how he was continually shepherding me.
At the cross, Jesus truly was forsaken. He faced the horror of death. Because of his sacrifice, even during the worst of times, I will never be forsaken. Any valley I walk through is but a shadow of death. Because of this experience, I am more thankful for the Gospel than I have ever been. The Bible is so much dearer to me. And I am more confident that God will be with me through whatever trial I face. His grace will sustain and empower me in the fight against sin and in the fight for joy. He will comfort me during any degree of suffering. He will deliver me from death and lead me into eternal life.
This experience, I believe, will remain with me as a memorial stone to God’s unending love and faithfulness. And it has increased my joy. Psalm 40 is a passage I clung to in this time. I hope to never forget it:
I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. – Psalm 40: 1-3
I’m still learning how to wait patiently for the Lord. But I am more certain of this truth now: He will deliver me from destruction. He will lead me back to the rock time and time again… that rock being Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.
Joy Pursuit 