Fear – Joy Pursuit

True Freedom

Published on March 21, 2020March 22, 2020 by BethanyLeave a comment

It has been a very long time since I have written anything on this blog. There were moments in the recent past when I felt inspired by a certain topic and I have notes scattered here and there, but ultimately, I never could come up with anything cohesive. As I think back to my previous posts, I can see how writing was a place to go amid uncertainty. It was a way for me to regain clarity in times of confusion and to remind myself of truths that I can hold on to. As I sit here now, it seems that I am returning to this familiar space to ground myself once more. I’ll start with a story…

When I was seven years old, I developed a very painful muscle strain in one of my legs. What began as a dull ache over the course of an afternoon turned into a few days of persistent aching. I can remember sitting on the floor of my brother’s room on the first night of dealing with it, trying to distract myself with a game of some kind, when a scary thought entered my mind:

“What if my leg is broken?”

I smile now as I recall my seven-year-old brain coming to this conclusion. But at the time, this what-if scenario filled me with terror. What if it really is broken? And what if the break is bad? And what if it needs surgery? From this point forward, through the next couple of days, these successive fears were on loop. I could not do anything without the constant pain, and the constant anxiety that something could be seriously wrong. A broken leg, after all, would be uncharted territory for me.

As I pause to consider the extent of my fear, though it’s almost hilarious now, I can’t help but remember the way that I felt at the time. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, and the whole situation began to appear increasingly helpless. This is probably why, after having taken it for as long as I could, I started crying in the line at the water fountain during school. Classmates turned to me in shock. A teacher came rushing over. Their shared exclamation, nearly in unison: “What’s wrong!?”

I proceeded to explain that my leg had been hurting really badly for the last few days and I thought it might be broken. The teacher blinked at me a few times and then said, with kindness and finality, “Oh no, it can’t be. If it were broken, you would know. You probably wouldn’t even be able to walk right now!”

What I felt at that moment was instant relief and freedom. I couldn’t even be embarrassed because of the weight that had been lifted. Here was this authority figure in my life who basically just told me I was okay. I was going to be fine. And I believed her. From that moment on, as the fear turned to a memory instead of a present reality, I began to see how much of a monster it had become in my life. It was nearly all-consuming, as fear of the unknown often is. Yet, in a moment, it was melted away – and not by the results of an X-ray, but by the word of a trusted influence.

When I reflect on this story considering current events, I am encouraged in many ways. This teacher showed kindness and regard for me during a time when she knew I was distressed. She could have easily commented on the irrational nature of my fear and sent me on my way. Now, as I work through different fears and stressors as an adult, I am moved by the boundless concern of God, who says to us:

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

God could look upon our anxieties in this world and regard each one as baseless, yet He continually reminds us that He is our helper. He joins us in the midst of pain and trial and all of our worry and lifts our heads when we are downcast.

Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of promise. Mercy and kindness are crucial, and they are most effective when there is some kind of assurance attached. When my teacher told me I would be okay, though it wasn’t a promise per se, I accepted it as one. Looking back, she was right. She knew I didn’t have a broken leg. There was no way; so, she spoke to me with certainty. This causes me to ask myself, as a reminder:

With how much more authority can Jesus speak over my life, offering the security of eternal life with Him?

Suffering is not to be regarded flippantly. Our time here is full of twists and turns, unexpected pain, and genuine concerns for our immediate future. I am put at ease when God says that our afflictions are truly “light and momentary” (2 Cor 4:17). The Lord is kind. He is also sovereign. And if He is telling me that the worst of times for his children are light and momentary, then what’s to come must be infinitely more glorious than I can fathom.

Even though my faith is tested by the troubles of life, I know that the ultimate curse has been borne by Christ. Sin and death have lost their power over those who trust in Him. Because of His sacrifice, I can believe one of the most well-known promises in the Bible:

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

Jesus is mercy. Grace. Truth. Love. Jesus is King. The riches of all that God has for us in Christ is available now for us to receive, should we turn from the world and come to him. In his presence there is true freedom – forever.

Defying Fear

Published on August 16, 2018August 16, 2018 by BethanyLeave a comment

Two weeks before I was set to finish my final two grad school classes, I nearly gave up. I only had a few assignments left. The end was so close. I remember sitting down to write my final paper and questioning if I would even be able to get through it. As I think about it now, I don’t believe it was that last big project I had to complete that made me want to quit. It was fear of the future. It was the fear of everything that would follow the end of this goal that I had envisioned reaching for so long.

For the past few months, fear has followed me seemingly everywhere I’ve gone. Even after I wrote my previous post about renewed confidence after a crisis of faith, fear returned to wreak havoc in my heart and mind, to a degree that I have never known until now. This is largely the reason I haven’t posted in so long. I feel as though I’ve been wandering in the desert for the past two months with nothing to offer to this blog. To be honest, there were moments when I wondered why I had even begun writing on this platform in the first place.

A few days ago, my mom and I picked up my diploma from the university and took a road trip to Waco, Texas to celebrate my graduation. She and I have always enjoyed what Chip and Joanna Gaines have done, and we’d never taken a trip with just the two of us, so we packed up to go see the Silos. I’ve realized that fear can be very audacious, and although I had dreamed of going on a trip like this for years, I had been hovering around despondency for a while and was hesitant before we left. As I admit to this, I’m saddened. But God is so merciful to us in seasons when we can’t see and can barely hang on to what we know is true – that He is always good and will provide for every need of ours in Christ (Philippians 4:19).

I wasn’t very familiar with the story of how Magnolia came into existence. I knew bits and pieces from what I had heard from friends or seen from Fixer Upper, but that was about it. The place where we were staying had a copy of The Magnolia Story, so I started reading it the evening we arrived. I was amazed by how much was written about fear and responding to an unknown future – the very thing I had been struggling with for so long. The further into the story I got, the more I could hear God speaking to me through the narrative of a couple I had never met.

When my mom and I arrived in downtown Waco initially, it was an interesting sight. It’s almost intimidatingly dilapidated in areas. It’s the kind of place that would naturally evoke unease, and given that it was already an unfamiliar one to us, I think that feeling was heightened. But I remember going to bed that night and hearing God’s voice with such clarity. He told me I was going to go out on foot and explore the next day, and that fear was not going to stand in the way.

The next morning, the first thing my mom said to me was, “We’re going to walk around today and not be afraid.” I was so glad to hear her say those words. When it was all over and we were getting ready to head home, I felt refreshed and inspired by what I had seen that day. I felt as though the foothold that fear had gotten in my life had been greatly diminished. In many ways, I felt a renewed sense of hope. All of this was completely unexpected. But it was just what I needed. And it has left me with a lot to think about.

Fear has been a part of my story for a long time. I’d like to say that I’m usually bold and courageous, and that the last few months have been a brief departure from the norm, but this would not be the truth. I’ve always given fear a place without putting up much of a fight. I think a weighty lesson that God is teaching me lately is that fear cannot be given any room. It is not of Him and must be resisted. 2 Timothy 1:7 comes to my mind:

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Another thing I’m learning is that just because God wants us to walk in a certain direction, and we know this and submit to His leading, any reservations we have (that usually bring us great discomfort) may not immediately dissipate. God brings peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7) and His timing for delivering that peace is always perfect (Psalm 18:30). When I face a frightening circumstance that He has led me to, I tend to ask for some peace in advance. I recognize that I need it for today. But what about tomorrow, and the next day…? I’m realizing that in life, there are times when we must simply defy fear. When we look at an overwhelming obstacle in our way, and when everything in us wants to turn and run, we must keep walking. Sometimes, this is what being empowered by grace looks like. It may not feel good in the moment, but with every step, God is there. And He is mighty.

When I think about God telling me to go downtown, I view it as a symbol of a larger reality that He wants in the lives of all His children. In everything, big and small, He desires for us to trust Him. This may feel risky at times, but it is the purest source of security we could ever know and leads to the greatest joy.

I don’t write this post from the perspective of someone who is beyond the valley. Because in many ways, I still struggle with the heavy weight of anxiety. And there are moments in which I feel encircled by darkness. But I’m starting to see the darkness for what it truly is – nothing. It is not even worth comparing to the power and glory of Jesus Christ. He faced the true darkness and rose victorious. If your life feels shrouded in fear or hopelessness, remember the name of Jesus. Think about, sing about, and call upon this name. Trust in this name. I say this as an encouragement to you and as a reminder to myself. God is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).

A Place of Safety

Published on June 5, 2018June 9, 2018 by BethanyLeave a comment

I feel as though I go back to the same topic in most of my writings while coming to the same conclusion in a slightly different way. Perhaps that’s true… And maybe that’s a good thing. I want to express over and over the hope that is in Christ and the radiant joy that comes from knowing Him. My pursuit of this knowledge and joy is ongoing: My prayer is that the updates are helpful.

A few weeks ago, my dad experienced a health scare that resulted in an emergency room visit and a couple weeks of uncertainty. He’s doing much better now, but ever since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about fear, danger, and another topic that I believe will be recurring in the life of this blog – security.

After he got sick, I didn’t know what the future held. I didn’t know how serious the situation was. I was confronted with losing someone who had always been there and everything suddenly felt unsteady. Eventually, he started to improve. A sense of normalcy returned. Yet, I was still anxious. And to be honest, I couldn’t really pinpoint why at first. With this ordeal seemingly in the past, I didn’t see why I would still be overcome with fear.

Jesus describes Himself as the good shepherd (John 10:11). I think over the past few weeks I’ve gained a deeper understanding of this reality. He had to shepherd me through realizing a truth that until this time had not dawned on me with such force: Earthly comforts are not promised. In fact, if there’s one thing we can count on, it’s suffering. Jesus made this known (John 16:33), but at the same time, He gave us one of the greatest comforts of all – “I have overcome the world.” I was deeply affected by the thought of losing a loved one, but my eyes were opened further.

I began to think about all the comfort, security and belonging that I’ve sought in sources other than God, and initially, I was overwhelmed. I thought I had pinpointed those things already. But the ground that I had apparently been standing on for a long time was shifting beneath my feet, and I knew there were still worldly things I hadn’t yet surrendered. I needed a solid rock on which I could stake my life. Something permanent. Something eternal.

A few posts ago, I talked about how it seemed like everything in my life was being shaken. But one thing I didn’t mention is perhaps the most persistent question that has come with it. Lately I’ve found myself asking: Is there a place for me? A place where I can be free from danger and where I can rest without fear? Jesus has given the answer in John 14: 2-3. It’s yes:

In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and take you to myself, so that where I am you may be also.

The glorious truth is that we can look forward to this sanctuary later and experience a refuge now.

When loneliness comes. When persecution comes. When the pain of sickness and death comes. When we feel struck down in every way and it appears that we’ve been stranded in the open with nowhere to hide – we are never alone. There is a place for us to bank on in Heaven. And there is a place of peace we can enter today. A place of communion with God Himself. A place of assurance that nothing can separate us from His love that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39). And if nothing can separate us from His love, then what can the world do to us? In the only way that truly matters, nothing. There is place for us and it’s not going anywhere.

What I’ve learned is that God is the greatest provider. He will never desert me in times of trouble. I haven’t reached my Father’s house yet and will certainly be faced with difficulties along the way, but there is always a place of safety in His presence where I can run, knowing that I will be secure there forever.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-3